A topic I teach in my manners classes for young children is called Inviting People.  I tell the children that if they have a friend coming over to their house, do not invite a second friend without consulting the first one.  I explain that the two friends may not know one another very well, or get along. They may end up fighting for your attention. The first friend may have wanted to spend time alone with you.This lesson can also apply to adults.  Have you ever had one of those friends who you ask out to dinner, and suddenly 20 more people are tagging along? Some you are friends with too, a few of them you don’t even know, and a few who you do know, you would rather not spend an evening with them.  This is one of my pet peeves.  When I ask someone to do something, I am clear about if it is couples, a group activity, or just the two of us.  If I want to invite other people, then I think about how the dynamics of the outing may change, and I always get permission before I ask anyone else.

I recall a time that my husband and I had an evening planned with another couple.  A few hours before we were going out my friend called and asked me if I minded if she invited some friends that we did not know.  I was honest with her and told her I was being selfish and just wanted it to be the four of us, since I do not get to go out with her very often.  She said no big deal, and I told her I really appreciated that she asked me, instead of assuming that it was okay.

If a friend invites other people, you have several options.  You can let it go this time, and be very clear and firm the next time. You can tell the friend that you were hoping to keep group intimate, and then schedule a second date with him for just the original group that you wanted to get together. The other option is to “un-invite” yourself.  You can say something such as, “I see you want to go out with Sally and Rob.  We will let you guys get together and let’s schedule another time that just the four of us can go out.”  If you are polite, honest, and firm about the situation, it should not happen again.