Fighting in Public

Posted @ 7/3/2010 2:52 PM By Elise

                    My two older sons have a tough adjustment period to one another every summer.  It takes them 2 – 3 weeks to get used to being around each other 24 hours a day.  They have always gotten along very well, and were at one time best friends. During this adjustment period they can get along when it is just the two of them, but add in our youngest son, and/or a friend or two, and it leads to trouble.    It not pleasant to hear them argue with each other at home, but when we are in public, I just about lose it when I hear them fight.  I am very embarrassed that they would cause a scene and carry on in front of other people.  The whole world does not need to hear their petty issues with one another.  One day we are driving as a family to an outing, and I am giving them the “don’t fight in public” talk before we arrive to our destination.  My husband then interjected the real reason why people should not fight in public – it makes other people feel very uncomfortable.    We have all been there.  You are out to dinner with another couple and they get into a fight.  You and your spouse just look at one another, and then look down, not knowing what to do or say.  You end up looking at your food in silence, and pray that the couple will quickly kiss and make-up.  When they don’t an uncomfortable silence occurs, and you try to bring up a new subject.  The only one discussing it with you at first is your spouse.  One person out of the fighting couple then realizes he or she better salvage the situation and tries to jump in, but it just isn’t that real of a discussion.  The whole evening gets cut short and ends up a disappointing disaster.    Two days later the point that my husband was trying to make to our sons was perfectly reiterated.  They go on a play date with some brothers, and the brothers get into a fight.  As a result of their behavior, the brother’s mom cuts the play date short.  When my kids get home they say they wish they could have stayed longer.  I ask them how they felt when their friends were fighting with one another.  They said they felt uncomfortable, so I then had an opportunity to drive my husband’s point home once again.   They admitted it was embarrassing to hear them fight, and the light bulb in their head goes on.  Looking at the positive, I am glad that they have one another to fight with, so we can teach these type of lessons now that they will carry with them when they get older.  In the car that day I explained to them that their father and I sometimes get mad at one another, but we wait until we get home to “discuss” it.  No one wants to hear children fight with each other, and they certainly do not want to hear adults fight with one another.  Overall it is very uncom ...

Chair Stealer

Posted @ 6/26/2010 6:28 AM By Elise

 Dear Mrs. McVeigh,

This may sound petty, but I want your opinion.  My husband and I were at a small gathering at someone’s house and musicians were performing.  My husband got up for a moment to get a beverage, and a man immediately moved down the bench that they were sitting on and took my husband’s seat.  His wife then moved next to him, leaving my husband without anywhere to sit.  Do you think this is rude?

Anonymous

 

Dear Anonymous,

I do think this is rude.  The man should have asked you if your husband was going to return, or he should have looked out for your husband to return and offer to give him his seat back. 

 

 

 

 

 

FAther's Day Jealousy

Posted @ 6/26/2010 6:25 AM By Elise

 Dear Mrs. McVeigh,

My husband’s stepfather does not have any children of his own, has been in my husband’s family his whole adult life, and is the most involved grandfather to our children.  My mother-in-law invited us over Sunday to celebrate Father’s Day, and when my husband’s biological father found out we went to their house before going to his house, he was very hurt and upset.  He barely spoke to us the rest of the day after we mentioned where we had been.

 

Were we wrong to do this?  Should we have celebrated with the stepfather another day?  We have a good relationship with my mother and father-in-law, and they get along okay too, but this seemed to really hurt my father-in-laws feelings.

Anonymous

 

Dear Anonymous,

 I think it is fine that you went to both the father and stepfather’s houses to celebrate Father’s Day.  I suggest your husband has a talk with his biological dad and see why it bothers him so much.  If he says that this man was not your husband’s father, your husband can explain that it is more for the grandchildren, and that this is your way of thanking him for being a part of your children’s lives.  Moving forward if you want to go to the stepfather’s house again next year, I think you have every right to do so.  Hopefully your husband’s biological father will understand your point of view and accept it.

Baby Showers – How many are too many?

Posted @ 6/12/2010 12:34 PM By Elise

          A reader (“Jane”) recently emailed me about being invited to a co-worker’s (“Sally”) baby shower. Ladies in their office have given Jane baby showers for all of five children of her children, which has meant one shower per year.  Jane said she is merely an acquaintance of Sally, but feels that she has to attend the shower.  The factors include it is taking place during lunch in the office conference room, and Sally’s office is two offices away from Jane. Jane feels like she cannot skip another oneit without appearing rude.  On top of that, the hosts of the shower asked everyone for money towards the lunch that is taking place during the shower.  Jane (and a lot of her co-workers) is very frustrated about the whole situation, and I can understand why.

         The official etiquette on baby showers beyond the first baby is if there is a second baby, then only close friends and family should be invited to a shower.  The exception to this is if there are a lot of years between the two children.  I think an additional exception should be if you know that the second baby is a different gender. 

If you have a friend who is pregnant and already has children, and you would like to do something nice for her, a “sip and see” has become a common way to celebrate the birth of a child.  It is a party that takes place shortly after the baby has arrived, and friends and family gather to take a peak at the baby and congratulate the mom.  If you have not given the mother a new baby gift, then this is a perfect opportunity to give her one.  If you already have, then an additional gift is not necessary.  If someone offers to give you a shower and you already have a child, it would be fine to ask for a sip and see instead.

As for a shower in the office, I think a shower with co-workers taking place after work hours in a venue other than the office is more appropriate.  One shower per co-worker should be sufficient, and those who volunteer to host the shower should cover the cost of refreshments.  This way no one is pressured to participate in this non-related work event.

Stay at Home Mom Troubles

Posted @ 5/27/2010 11:18 AM By Elise

 Dear Mrs. McVeigh,

I recently quit my job and decided to stay at home with my children.  Last night my husband’s mother called him and said his sister needs a babysitter for her son, who is having trouble in daycare, and asked if I could watch him. He told her no.  I am upset that my sister-in-law did not ask me directly, and I feel like she and my mother-in-law never include me in anything, unless they need something from me. Should I speak up or drop it? I am also worried that they may get upset with me because he said no. What do you think?

Anonymous

 

Dear Anonymous,

If you think your in-laws take advantage of you, do not worry if they are upset with you.  I think your husband was correct to tell his mother no, and I would be grateful that you did not have to tell your sister-in-law no yourself.  If you were put on the spot you may have told her yes without thinking it through, then regretted it later. 

If you feel like they do not include you or take advantage of you, either accept it and keep your distance, or take steps yourself to help improve the relationships.  To help improve things try inviting your mother-in-law and sister-in-law to do things with you separately, so you can hopefully build a better relationship with both of them as individuals.